Progressive Revelations 1/19/10

Olympics Hype

January 19, 2010

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The Winter Olympics will take place in a month and I am having trouble finding someone who cares, probably because the Olympics are being held in Canada this time around. Americans don't care about anything that takes place in Canada except hockey, and when it comes to hockey, Americans only care about the American aspects, like throwing American squids. I'm not even talking about throwing squids for a hat trick. Nowadays, hockey fans throw squids at one another just for kicks. Next year I plan to buy season tickets and some empty fountain pens. And I plan to wear a Snuggie to these games just so people will throw squids at me...

The Snuggie box is probably the best product box in existence right now, as it shows people wearing their Snuggies to a sporting event, cheering on their favorite team (my guess: some team with a really small fanbase). I think this picture is the "before" picture, however, and the "after" picture -- in which each of these Snuggle-wearers have black eyes -- was intentionally left off of the box...

At any rate, it's still not too late to generate some Olympic hype. I'm no Olympic expert (I save my knowledge for squids and Snuggles), but I have a few slogans that should get people excited about all things luge:

- "The Winter Olympics: Hey, they're better than getting kicked in the shins."

- "The Winter Olympics: Hey, seriously, ask someone to kick you in the shins. You'll wish you were watching the Olympics instead."

- "Hey, come on, the Olympics are... oh, never mind, utilize your Netflix account in February."

I plan to eventually learn how to steer a bobsled so that I can better connect to what's going on. So far I've only found two people named Robert to help me with this, though. I'm also planning to learn how to ski and shoot targets simultaneously. It is not just because it is a popular event in the Olympics; it's more because it is something people do for fun in Canada at night. At least that's what someone wearing a Snuggie told me...

But I digress.