Progressive Revelations 1/26/10

Using the Belt

January 26, 2010

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Lately, I've been wishing that I knew karate. I don't necessarily want to use it; I just want to say that I know it but can't use it because that's the first rule of karate: don't use the karate that you know. The second rule is to ignore the first rule and kick people in the shins if they annoy you. I don't know the third rule because, as I stated before, I don't know karate...

If I had a black belt, the first thing I would do is buy black pants that match. I would then take every opportunity to tell people they should be glad I can't use the karate that I know, primarily because it would blow their minds. I would then quickly take off my belt, showing that I am so prepared that I have another belt underneath. Thus, my pants won't fall down. With the black belt I just removed, I would whip any ants that are loitering in the area and then slap away the cell phones of anyone using T9. Clearly, I have given this karate scenario more thought than I have given anything all year, but it's worth it. If I can stop even one person from taking a cell phone's advice for what words to use, then clearly karate has served its purpose...

Next, I would go shopping. Using my extensive karate training from weeks 4 thru 98, approximately, I would karate chop all melons in the produce section. Then I would place signs next to my work that read, "All melons now half off," and I would laugh and point... at everyone who is using T9 because these people will be whipped soon. I would be sure to buy one of these half-priced melons to enjoy the labors of my hard work, connecting to how Hercules must have felt when he did whatever it is that he did...

I know, of course, that the main purpose of having a black belt -- according to those with black belts -- is self-defense. Go ahead, I say now, try to attack me when I have a black belt and a melon in my hand. That's right, I didn't think so...

Now that I've outlined the many -- aka three -- reasons why I want a black belt, I realize there is a lot of pressure that black belt holders must face on a daily basis, especially when it comes to watermelons with seeds. I now see that I should start off smaller in my quest of world domination, maybe by getting a fish tank or by buying a pack of Big League Chew gum and chewing all of it at once. Then again, maybe I already have a black belt. How would I know if I have it if I can't use it?

But I digress.