This Week's Column

Totally Dog Days

January 27, 2009

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It seems that every time I walk into a house in which a big dog resides, that dog inevitably jumps on me. The humans who live in the house then proceed to say things like, "You should be happy. That means he likes you!"

I don't know about others, but I really have a lot of trouble being happy about a dog jumping on me. Sometimes I wonder if everyone else is on a different wavelength from me so that when dogs jump on them and almost knock them over, they say, "Oh wow, this is great!" and then blog about it later. The thing is, if a dog jumping on a human is supposed to indicate that the dog likes the human, does that mean that I have the right to jump on somebody's dog?

In response to my own question, I think the answer is a definitive yes. "Hey, what a nice poodle you have there!" I would yell before jumping on the dog...

This would then lead to some sort of comment from the dog's owner such as, "Wo, don't jump on my dog like that!" and I would only be able to respond, "I guess I must be happy."

People say they like dogs, and yet almost every statement that includes a "dog" reference is negative:

- "For stealing that ape figurine, you are really in the doghouse."

- "Doggonit, I can't believe you just got peanut butter all over my jelly sandwich!"

- "It's hard to breathe during the dog days of summer, especially with this armor on."

- "You were totally dogged in that race, man. I can't believe your grandmom did that to you."

If I liked dogs -- and until I knock one over, I am not sure if I do -- I would make sure to come up with some prominent sayings that showed dogs in a positive light. To keep things simple, when good things happen, I would simply yell out "Dog!" such as in the following sentence: "Dog! I just won the lottery!"

On a related note, if I ran a lottery store and a dog came in with a winning scratch-off lottery ticket, I would tell the dog that the card is a loser and then cash it in myself. I think the dog would get a big kick out of that...

But I digress.