Progressive Revelations 7-18-06

Election Day Decisions:

November 13, 2007

..............................................................................................................

Today is Election Day, and I don't have anything to show for it yet: no T-shirt, no giant foam finger and, quite frankly, no interest. I keep trying to hype up today by telling myself it will be exciting to see election results later, but results won't be interesting this year because none of the local candidates have funny enough names. In this time of boredom, I can do one of two things: I can go out and vote for people, or I can officially declare myself a candidate for a future political office...

The first option seems more realistic. After all, I only have to drive a mile to get to my local voting booth, and I'm pretty good at voting once I get inside. I'm even good enough to be able to vote for two candidates at once. Scratch that: I can vote for everyone at once. I can walk out of the voting booth knowing that my presence in that booth was meaningless because there wasn't a single candidate I didn't vote for. Granted, that doesn't make sense, but at least I had a good time voting, and most people can't say that unless they confuse voting with bowling and then later confuse bowling with cow tipping...

All this talk about bowling is getting me a little excited to vote. I figure I have a few options if I want to make this Election Day a memorable one. One plan is to stay in the booth for so long that the voting representatives have to yell inside, "Are you okay in there?" and I will have to yell back, "Don't bother me, I'm thinking" every time. I can leave the booth after an hour, dripping with sweat (created by a bottle of water that I will sneak inside) and tell people that it was a really hard decision deciding who to vote for, but I pulled through in the end. I will add to my fake exhaustion by yelling, "I have voting fever!" multiple times as I exit the room...

Since I don't have an hour to kill -- except for the hour leftover from Daylight Savings Time, but I am saving that for a big Monopoly game -- I might go with another option: voting with my feet. I will enter the booth by walking with my hands. As I fall over every few seconds and waste everyone's time, I will inform people that it's important I vote with my feet because I am voting for a candidate who is trying to make it illegal for people to walk on their feet. When people ask who this candidate is, I will reveal that the candidate is me, and I can only be chosen via write-in votes. This will allow me to officially declare myself as a candidate for some random position. I just have to hope I don't win...

Finally, I may opt to vote blindfolded. I don't want to walk into the booth with an actual blindfold because that would seem like I am making a political statement. Rather, I will tie a banana peel around my head and walk into the booth with that on. I am not sure what this will accomplish, but I think bananas deserve to be in voting booths at one time or another. Before I leave the voting place, I can throw the banana peel, but then I will pick it up before someone slips. When everyone sees me pick it up, I will be considered a hero, and this will help get me elected later in life...

Well, all of these plans for voting booth endeavors have certainly gotten me excited. Now that I think about it, maybe I should just wait until next year to vote instead. I want to perfect these techniques using a telephone booth before I try them for real while voting...

But I digress.