Archived Column: 12/10/02

SAT Yourself Down:

December 10, 2002

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This is the time of year when students take the SAT. And when I state "this time of year," I am referring to any time that isn't a non-existent day. As a former part-time SAT instructor (note the pride), I have become quite acquainted with this test. But rather than offer you the types of tips you've probably heard or read before, I will instead reveal exclusive secrets that will lead you to the score of your choice, unless you have high expectations, in which case you are on your own...

1. Rather than using a #2 pencil, don't let yourself settle for second best -- use a #1 instead, but answer everything twice. This will show that you have high standards, despite the fact that you refuse to follow directions...

2. When in doubt, don't leave an answer blank. Doing that reveals that you are afraid to take risks or that you don't have the ability to fill in every oval. And what college wants a student like that (possible answers: Florida State, U of Miami, U of Florida)? Instead of leaving it blank, fill in the letter which sounds like the name of your favorite bug...

3. Never erase. If you want to change your answer, cross out your old one. That's art...

Young Ted: But...

Greg: What, young Ted, if that is your real name?

Young Ted: When you do that, you are going to automatically get the question wrong.

Greg: Have you tried it?

Young Ted: No, but…

Greg: Then don't knock the idea. And besides, didn't I hear that you don't know how to open a milk container?

Young Ted: No, why?

Greg: Oh, because I could have made a good joke out of that.

Young Ted: Sorry. Wasn't me …

Shaggy: Same here.

Comic Timer: I won't even respond ...

4. Answer everything in each section before reading the questions. Then read the questions and see how you did -- just for kicks. Then kick the person in front of you -- just to put up a front. Finally, do a push-up. If nothing else, you're getting yourself into shape, which is more than you can say about that geometry question on page six...

But I digress.