Archived Column: 12/20/05

A Big-Time Offer:

December 20, 2005

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People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed -- and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car -- and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don't trust us enough -- the station attendant asked me where I was going. Not knowing where this question was headed, since people usually ask him for directions and not the other way around, I basically pointed in some random direction...

That was my first mistake. The random directional point never works. I don't have any information to back this up, but that is only because I refuse to ask the Internet until it gives me my Frisbee back...

So, after this random point, the attendant then asked me if I could drive his friend home. This was a tempting offer. I mean, think about it: me, some random guy, could drive home this other random guy who may or may not hijack my car at some point down the road and kill me. How could I refuse this offer? And especially for what he was offering me: "I'll give you a soda," he said...

I thought the soda offer was tempting because that'd be something I would enjoy while I was dead. While he was at it, he could have thrown in some other necessities for beneath the grave like caterpillars or sympathy cards. A weeping widow would have really done the trick...

Keep in mind that I don't keep my car very clean on the inside. Of course, I do clean it out once every four months or so, but otherwise I have a lot of random items in my car, which is probably why I usually resort to the random pointing. But it is situations like these that make me want to endorse unkempt cars on television. Such a car provides the perfect excuse to never have to drive anyone anywhere...

"I would drive him, but my car is a mess," I told the guy...

I tried my hardest to give him a facial expression which indicated a combination of disappointment and concern. If awards were given out for making fake facial expressions at gas stations (I will have to check), surely I would have received a nomination...

"What if you move all of your stuff into the back seat?" he asked me. Or at least it sounded like that, but I wasn't completely paying attention, being I was sidetracked by that soda offer and all. Did he not notice my facial expression? What did he want from me --tears? Who did he think I was -- Walker, Texas Ranger?

I then told him that I couldn't move my stuff back there because it would break. Luckily he didn't question how poster board, an old McDonald's bag and a bunch of pencils would suffer those consequences if moved, because then I'd have to resort to the random pointing again -- and then throw something at his face once he looked in that direction...

So indeed, people never seem to amaze me. And that's good, because I love the feeling that at any time and any place, someone I don't know will ask me for a ride. And only in NJ can I say "no" because the opposite is never expected of me...

But I digress.