Progressive Revelations 8/23/11: Shopping Undercover

Resolute Shuns

December 27, 2011

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The year 2012 is nearly upon us, and some people believe it could be our last. That is why it is extra important this year to come up with a New Year's resolution that will not be broken as easily as a record in the home of a disgruntled DJ. Sure, there are the typical resolutions that people come up with year after year, but we all know that, one week later, these resolutions develop their own translations. For example:

Resolution: "I am going to work out every day for the entire year, except for one or two special occasions when I will allow myself a day off."

Translation One Week Later: "Every day is a special ocassion, except for those one or two times when I actually work out."

Resolution: "I am going to be a healthy eater. I will lose so much weight in the process."

Translation One Week Later: "I am going to buy a cat and name it 'Weight' so that I can feel better about myself when I lose it. Losing Weight will be the first resolution I have actually kept since I lost my dear dog Attitude a few years ago."

Resolution: "I will no longer Tweet about goats, mules or yaks."

Translation One Week Later: "I'll start this in 2013. Nobody will care about goats, mules and yaks then."

This list could go on and on, of course, because for as long as there are resolutions, there will always be people breaking them into so many pieces that not even a smart person with a magnifying glass could find them (or burn them). So the key for this year's resolutions is to make them fit the criteria of the three O's: original, obvious and oh-so-awesome. The first O is easy: just pick a resolution that no one else has declared, like "This will be the year I completely eat the contents from the left side of a box of Nerds before even opening the right side," or "I will not lick soap."

The second O takes some more effort, but you can start by thinking of something you should be doing anyway, like the typical "I will go to the gym every day" resolution, but replace "gym" with "bathroom." As for the the third O, think of a resolution that will make you a hero amongst your peers -- something ambitious like, "I will save the world," but then mumble something after it that no one can hear, like "as long as nothing good is on TV."

The real challenge comes in formulating a resolution that fits all three O's, but there is still time to do that on New Year's Eve (as others are having fun, excuse yourself by going into a room where you can be alone; bring a pen). If all else fails, here is a starter resolution that is original, obvious and oh-so-awesome: "I will not update my Facebook status about things that no one cares about."

A person can dream, right?

But I digress.