Archived Column: 2/15/05

A Hearty Meal:

February 15, 2005

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And so it goes...

I'm not sure what it was or where it went, but I've always wanted to start a column that way, ever since I held my first pencil while in the womb. Or maybe that was my umbilical cord -- even to this day, I get the two confused. My pencil sharpener is obviously a mess right now. Regardless, my time in the womb gave me claustrophobia and the rest is a blur…

Following suit, Valentine's Day was roughly 24 hours ago and some people, for good reasons I'm sure, simply forgot about it. One reason could be that they were celebrating the 14th as the exact middle day of the month, pondering those leap years when the middle is a lot less certain. Others are so busy not wanting a combination iPod-camera that they can't even find a calendar, let alone look at one. Still, others were so shocked that not a single graham cracker won an award on Sunday's Grammy Awards program that nothing seems to make sense anymore. Then again, if the phrase "nothing is important" is accurate, then that cancels out the previous theory…

At any rate, those who forgot the day are in luck, as I am providing some last minute tips to repair the situation:

1. Always blame the calendar. When that fails, blame the world. Both are safe bets since neither can defend itself.

2. Never express yourself in the form of lists. It's ineffective and shows laziness not to put the information into paragraph form. Granted, this is a list, but it's the world's fault.

3. Justify that belated Valentine's cards are much better than timely ones, even though belated ones don't exist. That being said, cross out "birthday" on a card and replace it with "Valentine's Day," using -- preferably -- a thick black marker. "I thought you'd find this funny," you should be sure to say. Make sure you laugh while speaking because at least one person should be doing so.

4. If you give any late Valentines, never actually use the word "late." Rather, constantly refer to the gifts as "very early for next year." To bring this point home, make sure you wear a shirt with an early bird on it.

5. Create an early bird. If you are going to be wearing a shirt with it, it would help to know what one looks like.

When it comes to helping those in hot water, there is only so much that I -- or a surplus of tea bags -- can do. It is important to remember that Valentine's Day comes once per year, and twice on leap year, which means there will be plenty of time to compensate next year by buying double the chocolates, cards and heart-shaped soaps. I am not inferring that these should be given to someone else; I just think it'd be nice to treat yourself to something…

But I digress.