Archived Column: 2/20/01

George Who?:

February 20, 2001

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Food for thought: Fried flounder with broccoli. And brains. An entire side of brains.

Additional food for thought: President's Day. I just don't understand the hype over this day when more important holidays, such as Groundhog's Day and Grandparent's Day, are not treated in nearly the same manner. There's a reason that Jerry Manner played the role of "the Beaver," except that it was Jerry Mather and not Manner, which means this sentence should mean nothing to you -- and neither should the Beaver, to be honest...

Groundhogs, on the other hand, should mean something to you. They're really no more inaccurate than weather reporters, and they demand a lot less compensation for what they do. The best part about Groundhog's Day is that it produces results. We tune in to the media to find out what happens, and we are somehow affected by what we hear or read, kind of like subliminal messages. snoitaleveR evissergorP daeR. On President's Day, we already know what happened. So, where's the fun there? In fact, neither Lincoln nor Washington were born on this year's President's Day, or on President's Day Weekend either. Besides, the weekend doesn't even bring good luck to George Washington University, who lost to the University of Dayton in basketball this past Saturday. You know that George Washington would not want his name attached to any loss that involves Ohio. Please, somebody, buy that state another vowel. Not even Grover has been to Cleveland...

In even more stunning news, James Madison University also lost in men's basketball on Saturday -- not to any team in Ohio, but to George Mason University! That's right, George Mason -- whoever that is. Would the real James Madison ever want to lose to George Mason? Seriously, I'm not James Madison (really, I'm not), but even I wouldn't want to lose to George Mason. And when is George Mason Day anyway? I bet that's a day that would produce results and get us all the day off. Every year we'll try to figure out who in the heck he is. The winner gets the next day off, too...

I don't know when Grandparent's Day takes place. In fact, I'm not even completely sure there is a Grandparent's Day, so my argument could be declared null and maybe even void. If that's the case, I will now note that cherry Life Savers preserve more lives than the lime flavor. My Grandparent's Day argument will now seem valid in comparison, because we all know that a stitch in lime saves nine, or something like that. So there is a Grandparent's Day, and we hardly know about it, despite the fact that there are many more grandparents than there are Presidents, even if you count Grover Cleveland twice. Despite Clinton's efforts, few of us really know a President personally. And regardless, there likely isn't a single President who can bake a pecan pie or refer to pants as "slacks." If we all had off from work or school on President's Day, we could use the time to play Bingo or Twister with the older generation. But who wants to play Bingo with the President? Okay, I do. But that's besides the point. Let me move on B-4 I start calling out Bingo numbers...

I'm also not sure why we don't receive mail on President's Day. Because of this circumstance, how are we supposed to send President's Day cards that arrive at exactly the right time?

But I digress.