This Week's Column

Life Calls

February 20, 2007

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I recently heard a commercial for Lifecall that noted that within the next year, 40% of all senior citizens will fall. My initial reaction to this was, "Really? That's not nearly enough people. We need to make an effort to push more of them down." But then I realized it was inconsiderate of me to have such a thought and will make it my goal to help senior citizens get up when they fall down. This, in fact, is my brand-new -- albeit a month and a half late -- New Year's Resolution. I want to pick up so many senior citizens after falls that next year the Lifecall commercial will be more like: "In the past year, 40% of all senior citizens fell down, but that's okay, because Greg Gagliardi helped all of them get up. Greg Gagliardi is the champion of senior citizens. We make him pies and sometimes pronounce his name correctly."

Shortly after hearing this commercial and determining this new goal, I went to a store that had a new candy bar at the counter and a sign next to it that read, "If we don't ask you to buy this, you get it free." I'm sure most people have seen signs like this, but always -- at the very last minute -- just as I am about to say, "A-ha, you didn't ask me about the product. I get it free, baby! Give me that pen with the hula-dancing pig on top of it right now," the person at the register asks me about the product. Such a pattern has plagued my life for the past several years -- until yesterday. I bought what I wanted, the cashier rung me up and then handed me my bag, which meant that I should get the candy bar for free. But there was a problem, I didn't want the candy bar. And more so, I didn't want to be the person who asked for the candy bar for free because of the sales loophole. I felt like if I said, "Hey, you have to give me that candy bar," a person would come through the ceiling and either fire the cashier for being irresponsible or throw prunes at me for being the first one to actually try to cash in on this deal...

After I give up on my resolution to pick up senior citizens from the floor, I will also drop my dignity and try to cash in on more of these deals...

I got an e-mail from Blockbuster Online with the title "Don't be without a movie this President's Day." I am so grateful for this message. I cannot even imagine the horror of President's Day being here and not having a movie to celebrate it...

But I digress.