Archived Column: 2/6/01

The Grand Re-Opening:

February 6, 2001

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Although I know I need to shake off some rust, I am definitely happy to be writing "Progressive Revelations" again. Although I know I need to shake off some rust, I am definitely happy to be writing "Progressive Revelations" again. You see, I seem to have that new kind of rust that causes repetition. I think it was brought here from Florida...

Other than the rust, there's also the challenge of deciding what to include in this "grand re-opening" of sorts, before I lose the reader at yellow, or maybe even green -- or perhaps turquoise. Colors aside, If you didn't duck a second ago, you've been hit with a pun. If you didn't duck and you were holding a box of Special K cereal (and who isn't?), then you've just formed a special punk, which I assume is a punk that is special -- but who cares, really?

Regular Punk: Don't insult my goal.

Soccer Player: I agree.

Moving on, this first edition of "Progressive Revelations" is supposed to portray the fact that I am now writing about "the real world," despite my lack of MTV viewing. I suppose there's a lot more to write about the real world than there is to write about college, but regardless I'll probably ignore most of it. Three words ago, I stopped for a bathroom break. You usually aren't told that kind of key information when you're reading these days, but there's no reason to save that kind of scoop for the locksmiths. I should add that my recent trip to the bathroom lasted for approximately 90 seconds and was a success...

If there's one thing you can say about bathrooms, it's that they definitely have a purpose. There are so many places today that people walk into and really don't why. When you go to the bathroom, though, you usually know that something will be accomplished. I don't remember the last time I was in a public one, for example, and I heard someone say, "I forget why I drifted over here," or even, "Well, there was a soda machine the last time I checked." When someone leaves a bathroom, he or she is almost immediately asked the question, "Are you ready?" And not very often does someone say, "No" and then proceed to walk back into the bathroom as if something was forgotten there. The general rule is that if you forget something in the bathroom, it was meant to be left there. They lack check-out counters for a reason...

Bathrooms really need more credit for their purpose, because right now even MC Hammer gets a better rap. If this is ever going to happen, though, we need to eliminate the concept of houses having 1.5 bathrooms. Builders should either throw in the other half, or just get rid of that toilet from the first half and put it somewhere else. If the latter occurs, the bathroom previously considered one-half will then be considered zero. And there must be some special purpose for a zero bathroom because zeroes have bigger stomachs than ones...

Binary comments aside, you won't ever see a "grand re-opening" for a bathroom, though. Granted, they are often deemed temporarily unusable and are then brought back to life somehow, but there's never any hoopla upon the return. If we don't care about bathrooms becoming available again, why do we care about supermarkets re-opening? Most of the time, we don't like the supermarkets that are re-opening anyway, which is why they closed to begin with. The last time I attended a supermarket grand re-opening, I was bombarded by people handing me coupons, which finally brought me an answer about where all the philosophy majors end up. A bit later, I came to the realization that it was the same store with bad prices, bad service and that same absence of Boo Berry cereal. The highlight came when I arrived at something I thought was "elf service" coffee brewing, but then I realized the first word was missing the "S," which is something Superman would look down upon. And why don't we actually have elf service? I don't think I've ever seen an elf drinking coffee, and it's probably because we have yet to cater to their needs...

In the long run, I really just need to give away something for free if I am hoping to gain any kind of respect or attention in this grand re-opening here. Lately, I've been getting a lot in the mail for "free," in the form of return-address stickers with my name on it. The stickers are sent from non-profit organizations with the hope that I will love the gift and donate money. So, I now have around 1,000 stickers, but I can't possibly send that much mail. In fact, I have so many stickers that I'm gaining the urge to mail letters to myself just so I can use two stickers on one envelope -- one for the addressee and one for the return address. The problem is, I don't have anything to tell myself, and I hate letters with no point to them, especially since my pencil sharpener broke a couple of years ago...

So let's discuss stamps for a second. The cost of stamps has increased, while the cost of stampedes has not. If we are going to raise or lower something, we need to be consistent. A lot of limbo contests have been deemed null and void because of the lack of such...

I think another thing human beings (and armadillos) lack are quality refrigerator decorations. There was once a day when magnets were prominently displayed, in such classic designs as apples, pears and some fruit that no one really could identify that may or may not be a mango. Nowadays, though, it isn't enough to streamline our modern-day ice boxes with these items. Instead, we attach photographs. But do we need to look at certain people every time we're ready to grab the leftover eggplant? It's bad enough to actually have to look at the eggplant without having to worry that Aunt Edna is laughing at you for it, especially if you don't truly have an Aunt Edna, or if you are Aunt Edna and you've been trying to deny it since the '60s. Beyond this photograph phenomenon, you also have the people who hang up memos, notes, calendars and even obituaries. Granted, a good note can save you from running out of bologna when you most need it, but what is the purpose of the obituary? It only makes me wonder what's inside the fridge...

Before starting this column several minutes ago, I had every intention to discuss something other than supermarkets, bathrooms and refrigerators. However, one cannot deny that the three are -- and always will be -- connected, which is a claim that even dots can't make. I thank you all for reading this grand re-opening and checking out our aisles. Just like most supermarkets, I will make the promise that this will get better with your ongoing support. I have the sprinkler set up so I can wash off the rust, but I've also hired a non-existent sprinkler monster to get rid of the sprinkler before it gets turned on. If you're still looking for something free, you have my permission to pick up the nearest ant, which I believe still has freedom in most of the world -- and possibly even in Montana. If you are a reader from Montana, maybe you can tell me what I meant by that and why I didn't choose another state, such as a liquid or a gas...

But I digress.