Progressive Revelations 7-18-06

Call the local bakery -- Pi Day is approaching:

March 11, 2008

..............................................................................................................

In around 3.14 days, the date will be March 14, which is now known around the world -- at least in the nations that use math -- as Pi Day. This day causes a struggle for those who are members of the Overeaters Association and also cannot spell, as they feel Pi Day gives them the right to binge lemon meringue pie like it's going out of style. But for the five percent of Americans who are not overeaters and bad spellers, Pi Day is a chance to celebrate pi, the mathematical constant that is so irrational, it makes Brittany Spears seem like one of the Jonas Brothers (I have no clue what I mean by this, but why start questioning myself now?)...

I may not be a math wizard (I refuse to buy the wand), but I do know that the major formulas containing pi are:

Area=pr(squared)

Circumference=2pr

Volume of a cylinder, which is always an important formula throughout life=pr(squared)h

The 'r' above, of course, stands for 'rabbits,' which is important to know for the SAT.

There are other formulas that are equally as important as the above, which most mathematicians use on a regular basis, such as:

pthon=snake

pita bread=mispronunciation

12p/shelf=bakery

Now that I have established the importance of pi, it is important to figure out how to plan the big day (I am still referring to Pi Day, by the way, not Arbor Day). I know what people are thinking: "There's not enough time to get ready for this year's Pi Day. I guess I will have to wait until next year, when I have more time to create my own hat using a graphing calculator." And trust me, I understand that very thought. Heck, I've been there before. I've even been to Newark. But now is not the time to panic. Instead, go to the nearest store and buy four pies. Immediately get rid of .86 of one pie, which will leave you with 3.14 pies. Invite all of your friends over to formulate the circumference and radius of each pie. When the excitement wears down from all of this measuring, move on to the next stage...

Take one of the pies and smash it in the face of someone whom you have been wanting to pie for quite some time. I recommend an annoying neighbor, the local mailman or Elton John. While administering the pie, be sure to yell, "3.14, baby!" and then pause for a while before running. Just be sure to run in circles. It's Pi Day, after all...

But I digress.