Archived Column: 3/12/02

[Not] Voicing My Concerns:

March 12, 2002

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I've lost a lot in my life -- spare change, books, and even my desire to watch anything on the WB. Luckily, none of those things are worth more than a dollar. Now, though, I think I've lost something important: my voice...

The absence of one's voice is an interesting phenomenon, especially for a columnist. If you take away a columnist's voice, all that is left is the content. In the case of "Progressive Revelations," I think that means you're left with some words about jelly beans and peanut butter cups. Nevertheless, I will write about what I've lost in an attempt to get it back, kind of like posting signs on telephone poles, except I won't forget to take the staples out when I'm done (Office Max may have a similar philosophy)...

I've already looked for my voice in the typical places lost things tend to end up, including my trash cans. At one point, I thought I found my voice underneath a banana peel, but then it turned out to only be my dignity. I need to stop getting the two confused...

Some people recommend checking the nearest "lost and found" box when something disappears. However, I am worried that I might pick up someone else's voice instead, because it's hard to recognize a voice just by looking at it. That brings about a tip: don't ever compliment someone's voice until you hear it. I am not sure where that tip will get you in life, but come to think of it -- that's the same thing I said to a waiter and it bought him three candy bars, so I guess that answers my question...

My biggest problem at this point is not being able to walk around the streets and call out my voice's name. And if I do go through with the telephone pole idea, how do I know that my voice will be able to see the signs? Or, worse yet, what if Ace of Base sees the sign and it opens up their eyes and they decide to steal my voice, and then I'll never get it back? This is really getting complicated...

At any rate, in order to lessen the complexity -- or perhaps do the opposite -- I will review some tips I've heard in order to get one's voice back:

- Drink tea with lemon and honey: This sounds good, except that I don't know anyone named Honey and she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to drink tea with anyway.

- Don't speak: Some say that if you stop talking, you will preserve your voice (or the absence of it) and it will eventually come back. But if I don't talk, how will I know when it's back? Whoever gives this kind of advice should specify the rules. For example, a statement such as "Don't speak until next week," or "Don't speak until the Wizards win the NBA Championship" could help, although having my voice back within the next ten years would be nice.

- See a doctor: I don't understand this tip, because I don't think I will get my voice back just by looking at a doctor. Besides, when people say, "Oh, you have to see a doctor," they really need to be more specific about what body part I'm supposed to be looking at, as well as what kind of doctor I'm supposed to seek. And if all I do is look at a doctor and don't talk to him/her, how much will I be charged? After all, I can watch a re-run of "Doogie Howser" for free.

So, basically, I'm right back where I started -- well, not a fetus, but a little after that. Since I still have my hearing and sight, I guess I will play it by ear and see what happens next. I recommend that corn farmers do the same...

But I digress.