Progressive Revelations 1/26/10

Your Great Ant

March 23, 2010

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I'll admit it: I like a good picnic as much as the next guy. That means that I like a good picnic about twice as much as getting a haircut, but about half as much as riding a mule. Although the spring weather has finally arrived, even the best picnics can be ruined by ants. That's why I receive all sorts of e-mails from readers along the lines of this: "Greg, please help us get rid of ants. These ants are ruining our picnics and are threatening to attack our mules." And while that statement is not true, I do feel that as a non-ant, it is my responsibility to help people in need who are only trying to peacefully sit at a table and eat watermelon...

My quest began a few minutes ago with Wikipedia, despite the sinking sensation I felt while typing a three-letter word into the search bar. It's one thing to type in a fun three-letter word like "yak" or "lug," but "ant" doesn't fit into that category. I imagined Wikipedia laughing at me and pointing while saying, "Really? Ant? Are you serious?" and then I imagined myself laughing back and saying, "Yeah, do you have a problem with that?" But don't worry: at that point, I got back on track, knowing that at this moment, there could be a group of people preparing potato salad that could go to waste without proper ant control...

The first thing I learned from my web search was that ants are social insects and are related to wasps and bees. Let's face it: that is a family reunion worth checking out on YouTube. I imagine the bees get in fights with the ants, but those quarrels are usually broken up when one of the following occurs: 1) the bees stings the ants and die, 2) the bees try to sting the ants but miss, thus stinging a stray mule instead or 3) the uncles arrive...

Beyond the family tree of ants, I also learned that ants are much smarter than most humans think they are and can even solve complex problems. I am not sure if ants can solve problems that are only considered complex by ant standards, like how to carry a crumb ten feet, or if they can solve problems that are complex to humans as well, like how to reach a remote control that is ten feet away without getting up. Outside of learning about ants' intelligence, I also read that ants can actually be beneficial to society, but then I quickly scrolled down to the pest section of the Wikipedia entry, which informed me that the ants classified as pests include the pavement ant, yellow crazy ant, sugar ant and odorous house ant, among others. These sound like types of ants that I would not want to mess with, although it turns out that many ants can be killed by pouring boiling water on their queen. At that point, although Wikipedia didn't make this clear, I assume the other ants yell out, "Our queen is taking a hot shower -- or maybe even dying! Either way, let's get out of here. Where's the closest mule?"

I am pretty sure everything that I wrote is accurate and will allow people to enjoy their spring picnics in peace, although I am still not sure how to identify a queen ant if she isn't wearing a crown or singing, "Bohemian Rhapsody." That will have to be a column for another time. In the meantime, just don't get the potato salad anywhere near a game of lawn darts...

But I digress.