Archived Column: 3/25/03

Balling Your Eyes Out:

March 25, 2003

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Baseball season is about to begin, which means that people will begin to attend some games. Of course, there have been certain people attending games for the past few months, but they were rudely awakened by the fact that no games existed. Similarly, I planned to drink some orange juice tonight, until I realized that I only had apple juice, at which point I decided upon grape. It doesn't make much sense right now, but I am sure that it will later -- when I think about it and then think about it again...

In getting back to the focus of this column, I'd like to offer some tips to those who wish to get the most out of their money, since we all know that baseball stadiums aren't exactly the cheapest venues these days...

First we have hot dogs. Plain and simple: never buy one. That's because someone near you will likely buy one, and there's no rule that you can't take a bite out of it. This works best when you are sitting among strangers, because then your bite mark cannot be recognized -- and it's your word against the other word, which means you have at least a 50 percent chance. Another option is to bring your own hot dog, even though that is typically not allowed. If confronted, tell the security person that the hot dog is actually a pencil. Wear a novelty hat to make this scenario more believable...

Many people like to bring gloves to catch foul balls. Plain and simple: don't do that. Bring a large net instead. It covers a lot more ground and will make you more attractive in the process. Plus, butterflies will serve as an added bonus, except in cases where the butterflies die within your net, in which case all you can do is blame the system… whatever that means...

There is the constant inner struggle of whether or not to buy a program for each game. Plain and simple: buy one. That way, if you ask a bad question and someone tells you to get with the program, you can respond with, "I already have one, thank you." And that'll show 'em. Oh boy, will that show 'em!

Over the past decade, in particular, bringing signs to the game has been a trend which gets the sign holders on television. Typically these signs represent fan sections for certain players. But why not use this opportunity to list campaign promises? Or better yet, hold a large sign which applauds other people's signs. Plain and simple: the opposite of the present is a lot like the past, except that there is a sign which points to another sign, which will allow you to grab a hot dog on your way out of the stadium...

But I digress.