Progressive Revelations 3/29/11: Baseball Rules

Baseball Rules

March 29, 2011

..............................................................................................................

The baseball season is upon us, which means plenty of people will be heading to ballparks around the nation to eat hot dogs and watch games, and many of these people will be able to do both simultaneously. Baseball is known as America's greatest pastime, partially because it is better than going with our second option: barbecuing. Still, I know many people don't quite understand what the sport is all about, which makes all of those MLB cable channels about as useful as static. Speaking of which, I think my cable company is introducing ten static channels and raising everyone's prices accordingly, but I can't complain: I hear these channels will be in HD, and we all know how exciting that makes every television show...

For those unfamiliar with baseball who are reading this column to get critical information, I'm sorry: it's quite possible you meant to visit Wikipedia, and through some twisted series of events, ended up here instead. But all hope is not lost because I am going to take some time to explain the game of baseball in the most basic way possible...

Baseball revolves around a simple concept: some guy throws a ball to some other guy, and that other guy swings a bat at this ball. This "batter," as the person is known, can be turned into pancakes, but that's only at IHOP. The rest of the batters are trying to hit the ball either so far that no one can get to it except a hot dog-eating fan, or hit it somewhere that requires the people in the field, aptly named "fielders," to chase after the ball and throw it somewhere. It is best that the ball is thrown in the direction where the baserunner is, but unlike kickball, in which hitting people with the ball is encouraged, this is not allowed in baseball. Other actions not allowed in baseball include -- but are not limited to -- punching people in the face, throwing sunflower seeds and kicking Gatorade containers. These actions are only allowed in the dug-out...

When three outs are recorded -- either through strike-outs, ground-outs, fly-outs or a player simply claiming, "I'm done" -- the two teams switch spots. In locations in which no one knows the rules, the two teams actually switch dug-outs and even uniforms, but everywhere else, the teams simply switch who is on offense and who is on defense. This rotation goes on for nine innings, or longer if the score is tied. This tie score, also known as "extra innings," will only be broken when one team scores more than the other team, or when someone's mom yells out that it is too dark to play anymore, at which point everyone goes inside for coffee and pastries and a coin flip determines the winner. Some teams, like the Kansas City Royals, are really happy about this rule...

I realize that Major League Soccer season has just begun, but the reality is, it's Major League Soccer. Major League Baseball will once again be successful this year on the grounds that it is not soccer and also on the grounds that it is a time for people to get together and root for people to make it home safely. I'm pretty sure only awkward family gatherings bring that kind of excitement...

But I digress.