Archived Column: 3/4/03

Nude-It Tea:

March 4, 2003

..............................................................................................................

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it'd be like if animals had nudist colonies (that's a lie: I just thought about it three minutes ago for the first time in my life -- and hopefully the last). It just doesn't seem like a necessity considering that most animals walk around naked for their entire lives. But what about those dogs that walk around with sweaters all the time? Maybe they'd like to give this opportunity a try. Even animals without sweaters typically wear some sort of collar, so if nothing else this would be their opportunity to let loose for a bit. But what will the reactions of the animals be when humans drop off and pick up their pets?

Naked Dog: Oh my gosh, he's seeing me without my collar. How embarrassing! I'll never be able to look at him again!

Naked Squirrel: Don't worry about it. Look at me, I'm not even wearing a fig leaf. I haven't been this naked since yesterday.

Now, of course, I've put myself in an awkward position, because when this column is posted online, it will begin to show up on search engines when someone types in "naked dog." And I'm just not sure if I want my name attached to any of this business (but then again, if you are reading this column because you did a search for naked animals, then you're the crazy one, not me). With that in mind, maybe I should ponder a different concept, like a zoo where animals walk around to see humans in cages. The thing is, I don't think that would be remotely interesting, even for animals who spend half their time sleeping and the other half cleaning themselves. Besides, this human zoo would be the exact same concept as jail, and I don't see many animals stopping there to visit...

Over the past few years, certain pet food stores have begun to allow animals inside if accompanied by an adult owner. However, I'd like to see this concept extended to ordinary supermarkets, or perhaps shopping malls. I think there'd be something special about shopping for soda and cereal while a poodle is doing the same thing next to me. Maybe we could compete as we push our shopping carts and then I'd knock over the poodle, and that would be the end of our race -- until the next time, after I train extensively...

Finally, I would like dogs to be able to order food in fast-food restaurants. Granted, only the competent ones can drive cars better than senior citizens, but the rest of them should still be able to go inside the establishments and order whatever they want from the menu. If all goes well, they can also become paid employees, and maybe then they wouldn't have to hire new people every week because animals tend not to complain about their jobs, except for the jobs they consider to be ruff...

But I digress.