Archived Column: 4/1/03

Wanted: Signs:

April 1, 2003

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Today I saw a poster which offered a reward for anyone who could offer information leading to the arrest of a particular man. This makes me realize that we haven't evolved too much since the days of the old west, or -- even though Will Smith and the Escape Club ruined the term -- the "Wild, Wild West."

The concept of getting paid for offering arrest information puzzles me because there is typically no fine print. Thus, I am wondering if a person can turn himself in using a fake name so that he could collect the award money on himself. That $5000 will be useful to him in an enclosed cell, as it will give him something to sort and count...

Furthermore, I think it needs to be clarified what information is worthy of the reward. If I call up and say, "This person is on our planet and is most likely mobile," then I believe that will ultimately lead to the person's arrest. If I am told that the information was already known, and thus I receive nothing for it, I will need to ask for proof. And then -- but only then -- will I be satisfied with the system. Or, maybe not, now that I think about this further, because the system still favors humans over animals. When was the last time a sign was posted that offered $10,000 for the capture of a rabid squirrel? And, for that matter, when a dog is lost, there seems to be more of a concern over getting the dog back to its home, as opposed to arresting that dog. Where's the consistency?

Another aspect of "wanted" signs that bothers me is the lack of neatness. It seems like in the days of the old west, the signs would contain neat penmanship, along with a picture perfectly placed in the center of the poster. Without computers, or even a Nintendo, this was not easy to do. Nowadays, though, it seems like neat handwriting has been replaced with the scribblings of a black permanent market. In fact, most of these signs are instead announced via news broadcasts, which takes away the art of sign making altogether. To me, if a sign is not on a telephone pole, then it is not an actual sign. I told that to an astrologist once...

Most importantly, a "wanted" sign should not be located anywhere near a sign for a garage sale, because it is hard to take an arrest warrant seriously when someone is making an announcement about an old couch underneath it. Sometimes I think there should be arrest warrants on old couches, especially since it'd be easy to collect the reward money on something that doesn't move. Plus, just imagine the look on the couch owner's face as his yard sale item is taken away by the police. And to think, that owner probably thought no one would actually want it...

But I digress.