Archived Column: 4/10/01

Read This, Save Your Life:

April 10, 2001

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What you are about to read in this column may save your life. This is a big statement, because I am not even sure what I am going to write, but regardless I hope you take me seriously. I've decided that highways are operated by gnomes and/or ogres. I came to that conclusion two seconds ago, based on a trip today on the Atlantic City Expressway. If I would have typed something three seconds before the previous sentence, it would have been related to animal crackers, so be happy that I happened to cough in order to stall time ...

First off, highways are constantly telling us what to do, and they should stop doing that -- because we all know that television is supposed to tell us what to do. It's bad enough we have to follow traffic and road signs when we drive, but there are also additional ones, such as "Check fuel gauge." My first question here is "Whose gauge?" Are we supposed to pull over to the side of the road, flag down a random car and check its gauge? And what do we do if the car is out of gas? We're certainly not helping the situation by having the car's engine run as we stare at the gauge and say, "Yep, looks low."

Plus, this sign puts each driver at an unfair advantage. He or she can either adhere to the sign, check the gauge, and feel like a lemming for doing so. Or, the aforementioned driver can ignore the sign in an act of rebellion and run out of gas soon after. If we don't have signs that tell us to blink, burp or file our taxes, then we shouldn't have fuel signs. Similarly, there are also signs on the road that note "Stay Alive." This, in fact, is an actual sign on the Atlantic City Expressway, quite possibly a leftover from some sort of traffic disco. I must say, though, that it's much easier to stay alive if we aren't concentrating on a sign and wondering why in the heck it's there. We don't have to worry about the people who are awake enough to read the sign; that's pointless. If we are worried about people falling asleep while driving at night, we should hire people to throw rocks at their cars. After all, everyone wants to be a rock star ...

What really gets me about highways is how you don't get anything in return for paying a toll. This thought justifies my gnome/ogre theory that I previously thought had no justification. This reminds me of movies where a monster is guarding a bridge. You see, when we pay two bucks for something, we should get something to show for it. Getting to the other side is just not good enough, since the chicken did it for free. There should be the opportunity to buy pennants which read, "I just crossed the Whatever Tollbooth." Those would be hot sellers ...

And what's so special about the other side anyway? If it wasn't for the toll booth, the other side would be the very same as the original side. The Atlantic City Expressway, in particular, has the worst toll booth in the country. On your way home, you have to pay two bucks to get onto the highway. This is ironic considering half of the reason you are coming home is because you lost all of your money at Atlantic City (the other half of the reason is the fact that you don't actually live in Atlantic City). This toll is therefore a slap in the face. Seriously, as you pay this two-dollar toll, why doesn't a giant muddy boot kick your car in the bumper? This toll booth is where the "Stay Alive" sign should be located ...

Despite the problems with the nation's highway system, the rest-stop bathrooms do score high marks overall. Granted, these bathrooms are often dirty, but sometimes that's a good thing. When you go to a nice place with an equally nice bathroom, you can't help but wonder if you're being watched. Some bathrooms obviously cost thousands (or millions) of dollars to build and renovate, which is evident by the fact that there are employees standing inside of it. However, I think that if you're not conducting personal business in the bathroom, you shouldn't be allowed to stand there. I don't care what kind of towel you're passing out or whose shoes you're shining. Besides, why do we have the sudden need to see a reflection in our shoes once we get into the bathroom? I guess it's because there's nothing else to do in a bathroom but look down ...

My major gripe is that I don't think these employees should be able to go on bathroom breaks. Any bathroom employee who asks for one shouldn't be working in the bathroom, since they obviously don't understand the purpose of the room they're in. Then again, with all of this shoe shining business going on, it is a bit confusing these days ...

But I digress.