Archived Column: 4/24/01

Do I Love Ox?:

April 24, 2001

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I just saw a commercial that advertised tourist options within NY state, noting that you should call 1-800-456-8369 if you're interested. That number was chosen because it spells 1-800-I-LOVE-NY on the keypad. However, the very same phone number also happens to spell 1-800-I-LOVE-OX, which causes a big dilemma. First off, the plural form of ox ("oxen") is being totally overlooked here. More importantly, those who truly love oxen will not be able to express it over the phone because they will instead be calling the NY phone number -- and let's not even get into the conversation about what's better: an ox or NY. One obvious difference between the two is that an ox has horns and ... oh, wait, I've driven in NY. They have horns, too ...

Despite this new paragraph, I'm really not done looking into this whole oxen situation. I don't think anyone has looked into any sort of oxen situation, unfortunately, since Paul Bunyan was in his prime. But why not? Perhaps we are not utilizing oxen beyond their typical wagon-pulling duties, because -- when it comes down to it -- who (besides Chuck) really needs to pull a wagon anymore? That action went out of style along with pulling chains, teeth and ups ...

Aside from my spontaneous support for an animal I know absolutely nothing about, I must look at the other side of this oxen situation by noting that they totally screw up games of Scrabble. The word "ox" should not be worth more points than something such as "soap," or even "operas" or "stink." However, the "x" is worth eight points and therefore dominates the game, especially if on a triple or double-letter score. Really, it takes no skill to spell the word "ox," yet everyone takes so much ownership when using it, as if the rest of the players would have been clueless as far as what to do with that "x." The worst, though, is when someone is holding on to the "x" for the whole game, as if inflation will kick in and it will be worth ten total points instead of nine when "ox" is spelled. If the word was so good, it would be used in spelling bees ...

I don't know why our spelling championships are named after bees. All they can spell is "buzz," but there's no good in that because there is only one "z" in Scrabble. So they're basically screwed. Instead, we should name our spelling competitions after some other form of life, such as quails ...

Speaking of '80s references, what ever happened to Gatorade? I remember the day when there were three flavors: lemon-lime, orange and what may or may not have been fruit punch. Now we have Riptide Rush and Glacier Freeze and all kinds of other names that are completely ambiguous. I think I've had my favorite, Starfruit, three times and still can't tell you what it's supposed to taste like. Gatorade has always had an ambiguous taste to begin with, and now the names of the flavors match that. Still, we just go ahead and keep buying it anyway. That's like buying a bag labeled "food" or voting for a president just because he has the same last name as a former president. Nah, never …

The other new Gatorade innovation is the containers with the grips on the side. These sports bottles stop us from encountering the potentially embarrassing situation of dropping a plastic bottle on the floor. It's my speculation, though, that the grip was added so that people don't throw the Gatorade once they find out that Starfruit is not consumed by celebrity bananas ...

But I digress.