This Week's Column

Brain Freeze

May 12, 2009

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Earlier today I suffered from what is commonly known as "brain freeze," the temporary headache caused by drinking or eating something really cold, in my case a smoothie. Worse than the actual pain the freeze causes is the feeling I get that I completely failed myself. And, seriously, why did I buy a smoothie?

Brain freeze is easily the most embarrassing pain there is because it is the most self-inflicted. I am a grown man: I know that if I run into a street with busy traffic, I might get hit by a car. If I jump out of a second-floor window, I may break a leg (and not because my performance was good). If I yell at an old lady during Bingo, I might get slapped. And yet somehow I haven't learned that when I drink something cold at a very quick pace, I will experience several seconds of severe headache. I think it's my brain's way of saying, "What are you, an idiot? Seriously, didn't you learn from the last time?"

The worst brain freeze occurs when it's the second occurrence in a ten-minute time span. That's when the brain can say, "Again? Didn't we just go through this? Didn't you just yell out, 'Ah, never again!' Well, it happened again -- and are you happy now?"

Sometimes I wonder if I can cancel out brain freeze by drinking something hot immediately afterwards, but by the time I get something hot, the headache is already gone. I could prepare something hot ahead of time and then intentionally give myself brain freeze to test my theory, but I think my brain would be very unhappy about that: "It's one thing if it's an accident. Heck, a smoothie really can be that good, but come on -- to do this on purpose? I don't think we're on the same page anymore."

Even worse than brain freeze is what I am now calling "conversational brain freeze." I think a lot of people can connect to this one: getting brain freeze and then having someone try to start a conversation at the same time. If the person who is initiating the conversation is really annoying, this only elevates the pain to an unbearable level. Allow me to demonstrate:

Person #1: Hey, how are you? [Person #2 receives brain freeze from drinking really cold lemonade] This weather is crazy, isn't it?

Person #2: Ahh! Hold on.

Person #1: Hold on to what? I asked you about the weather? What could I possibly hold on to?

Person #2: Ahh! The pain!

Person #1: It's not even that hot out . What pain? Elaborate please. Give me a lot of details.

Person #2: Seriously, if you don't shut [Brain freeze goes away]... the window, bugs might get in.

Person #1: Thank you, now I get your point.

I think I need to have a long talk -- or inner dialogue, at least -- with my brain. I need to let it know that I'm not perfect. There just might be a time when I will want to slap an old lady during Bingo...

But I digress.