Archived Column: 5/24/05

Barbe Q-Tips:

May 24, 2005

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Star Wars: Episode III has been in theatres for about a week, and everywhere showing it has been missing something: me. In fact, I will admit that I have not seen Episodes I or II, and to embarrass myself even further, I will also admit that I have seen Teen Wolf Too. Twice. And I bought the DVD. But can you blame me for not going to see Episode III? I mean, who can concentrate on Stars Wars when the American Idol finals are tonight? And worse yet, I am serious. But I am not looking forward to it because I want to see two people sing. Rather, I am anticipating more commercials than the Super Bowl and Public Television combined...

I'm also looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend, a time when it takes twice as long to drive to the shore just to be at a place where there are twice as many people than can actually fit there. By common logic, vendors there should charge half price for everything so that their profits don't skyrocket, but most people don't listen to me. Not just vendors, pretty much everyone in general. That being said, I have some tips for those who plan to barbecue this upcoming weekend as a means to avoid traffic to the shore. And not only do I have those tips, but I am sharing them:

1. Begin the day by roasting marshmallows. However, make sure that certain marshmallows are filled with explosives or, at the very least, a bit of gasoline. That'll show people not to roast marshmallows before the burgers have hit the grill. Yeah, that'll show 'em...

2. Ask the common question: "So what does everyone want, a burger or a hot dog?" When everyone answers, go ahead and respond by saying, "Well then it's too bad I only bought corn on the cob." Later in the day, joke around with your hungry guests by asking a similar question: "So who wants corn on the cob?" Make sure you mention that you have plenty of it left. Accentuate the point by putting one in your sock and complaining that your feet are killing you because of the corns on them. Oh never mind, that's corny...

3. What's a Memorial Day barbeque without fireworks at night? Tell everyone they are about to find out. There's no reason to potentially get in trouble when there is all that good corn sitting around...

4. A potato sack race might just be the most enjoyable activity for all humans, and possibly Canadians, young and old. Unfortunately potatoes only come in cans now. So you'll have to settle for can-on-the-foot races, which is too bad, because that's not much of an activity. Not even for Canadians.

5. Wear one of those barbeque aprons with a funny message on it like "World's Greatest Chef" or "Where's the Beef?" But don't wear it to the barbeque. I am just making a general comment that people should start wearing those aprons more often. [Hint, hint - high school seniors going to their prom.]

If your next barbeque is not a success, then I surely cannot be blamed since no one listens to me anyway. If you want to try to find me so you can throw corn at me, I'll be at the local movie theatre not seeing Star Wars. And go ahead: throw your corn. I'll be armed with marshmallows, and carrying a shield made of Teen Wolf Too...

But I digress.