Archived Column: 5/4/99

The Boston College Year-in-Review:

May 4,1999

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The end of the year is quickly approaching, so it's as good a time as ever to review some of the highlights of the past academic year. The word "some" was inserted because most of the highlights you will read about are random at best. You know as well as I do that the comment, "Wow, I will remember this for the rest of my life" actually means, "I won't forget this until Tuesday." And then when Tuesday comes around, you forget that it's Tuesday and insist that it's Monday. Actually, that's a lie. In fact, the lie that I just told you was a highlight of the year, which proves the point about the highlights being random at best. So, go ahead and add to the second sentence that the highlights also happen to be pathetic...

Without any further hype, let's start with a recent event. This past Sunday's "Walk for Hunger" was a well-supported effort for a worthy cause. However, for those who are not of the swift variety, it proved to be a truly confusing experience. Peeking at one's watch to see how quickly the second hand moves, and making comments such as "Where is Moses Tanui?" may have been prominent actions by individuals who were asleep for the past two weeks, or for those who believe the path of the Marathon goes by McElroy. Those who thought they have finally proven that the slow-motion buttons on their VCRs can control real-life activities can go ahead and look for something new to assert. For starters, rumor has it that Shaq is a BC graduate, which is why we have a library named after him...

Construction hit campus in a major way this year. Talk was talked, buildings were built, and in the end BC finally ended up with a brand-new student center and a new recreation complex...

Sorry, I had a memory block and thought it was the year 2056. I should have also noted that the new recreation complex featured banners of the BC men's basketball team's three consecutive NCAA championships. But now that I've just gone into the future and ruined things for you, you may as well give up on going to the games. Oh, never mind, it looks like you already beat me to it...

The pizza in Carney's took a turn for the better and so did the Art Museum in Devlin, featuring exclusive works by Caravaggio. To further clarify, it is the Art Museum that featured Caravaggio, not the Carney's pizza. However, it has yet to be determined whether these two entities are related...

Candy in the dining halls also stepped it up a notch, allowing those with extra meal points the chance to buy 459 pounds of gummy bears. The bright spot of the year came about two weeks ago, as sour worms were added to the candy lineup. If you can think of a snappy comment, tell the person next to you, and that person can pass it on to me. I'm drawing a blank at the moment. I mean, sour worms are .. good and ... sour. Whew, I'm glad I got myself out of that one...

The slush machine in Lower takes second in the "great new food" category, while the blade of grass closest to the back entrance of Devlin takes fourth place in the "quality blades of grass" category...

Boxes of Flutie Flakes proved to be hot items this year, but snowflakes remained rather cold. Quick prediction: this will remain the case for quite some time...

Concert highlights this year included the booking of Rusted Root, a show that will take place for the second time in three years. This leads to the question: Are we paying them, or are they paying us?

The campus still doesn't contain a bowling alley. Then again, the nearest bowling alley doesn't contain a campus...

The Club at O'Connell House was not open for late-night dining this year. Instead, Carney's took its place, serving nachos with cheese, nachos with cheese and lettuce, and nachos with cheese, lettuce and tomato -- all on a nightly basis. The obvious implication here is that if Carney's can take over late night, it may take over other things as well. Look for the facility to become the new Dustbowl, a computer station featuring two cash registers for public usage, as well as home to a working change machine...

Dunkin' Donuts locations in both McElroy and on Newton still do not serve 10-ounce steaks. The highlight in that last sentence is in there somewhere, but now I can't think of it because I'm preoccupied by the image of meat-filled croissants...

New additions to the Rat, as well as in the variety of Powerade and Fruitopia flavors, cap off the highlights of the dining hall variety. As for the BC Cable system, no highlights can be announced until Nickelodeon is added back to the lineup in replacement of TVLand, which is essentially just a watered down version of Nickelodeon. One can only wonder why we don't just drop the BC hockey program and pick up a set of new air-hockey tables for the Rat...

The blade of grass formerly considered the fourth best on campus has been moved up to the third spot. An anonymous student with a lawnmower remains unavailable for comment...

A new establishment across the street from St. Ignatius Church (the name is omitted to avoid giving free publicity) was seen this year, The Observer stopped being printed and the Chernobyl virus struck like lightning in a metal shop classroom...

BC announced that the 1999 Commencement speaker is again someone involved in government affairs, therefore disappointing all those who were looking forward to seeing Young MC speak at Alumni Stadium. For obvious reasons, The Observer is unavailable for comment...

We can only hope that next year will be half as good as this one...

But I digress.