Archived Column: 6/22/04

Old People and Their Cars:

June 22, 2004

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Usually I like to beat around the bush in my columns before I begin to express myself about a controversial issue. And that's not necessarily changing right now. It's just that I am not writing about anything controversial. Rather, I will attempt to answer a question that was previously not capable of being answered: why do old people drive old cars?

Granted, the only aspect that makes this a question is the mark at the end of the sentence. We all know that old people drive old cars because that's just how it's supposed to be, just like how surfers can only be friends with other surfers, or how dice tend to die when they're alone. But seriously, it bugs me that someone who is 80 tends to drive a car that is 40 years old, or at least one that looks 40 years old because of the AARP bumper stickers. Likewise, a young driver is likely to have a new car, unless he or she has a grandfather who recently lost his license and subsequently his car...

But that's not the end of the madness. Some young drivers will purchase old cars to decrease their chances of being pulled over for speeding. After all, anyone driving over the speed limit who is over the age of 70 would cause such great shock amongst police that pulling over would be an afterthought…

Of course, I must admit that I am a pawn in this whole car scenario myself, being that I am 26 years old and drive a 2000 Chevy Malibu -- new enough to declare that I don't play Bingo, yet old enough to reveal I got my driver's license before the Olsen twins got theirs (I think they share one)…

Regardless of my personal involvement, I would like to declare a peaceful plan of attack: national car switching. Starting in January of 2005 -- which should provide enough time to spread the word -- all old drivers must trade their old cars with new drivers and their new cars. The older drivers can take their Sinatra cassettes and the young ones can take their dashboard hula dancers, but that's it -- the rest of the parts are passed along. In one way, this isn't bridging any gaps between the old and young, just merely reversing the gap in such a way that is equally as big (just more confusing). Still, this plan is a start. And like any old talking car would reveal, a start's not easy to come by these days…

But I digress.