Progressive Revelations 5/26/09

E-mails from the Future

July 21, 2009

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Before writing this column, I had to think about whether I should reveal the information that I am about to reveal. I don't want people to treat me any differently than they do now, which is not going to be easy considering what I am about to tell everyone. The fact is, it seems that I -- out of everyone in the world -- have been chosen to receive e-mails from people of the future. It has been happening periodically for the past couple of years, but today it really came clear to me that I was the chosen one when I received five different e-mails from five different people from Monday, January 18, 2038. Some may see this as spammers' pathetic attempts to have their e-mails automatically appear at the top of recipients' e-mail boxes, but let's not be naive here. The correspondence I received was clearly from nearly 30 years into the future -- and these people mean business in more than just the financial sense. Besides, if this e-mail was spam, then wouldn't my spam filter have caught it along with the other 30 messages from January 18, 2038 that are in there from this week? I cannot imagine having a spam filter that is not 100 percent efficient...

One e-mail was entitled "Become a Teacher Their in Demand. Start Today!" and I see now that the grammar of the future is even worse than the grammar of today. If I didn't already hold a job as a teacher, I would definitely follow the e-mail's advice because I cannot imagine an e-mailing steering me in the wrong direction...

At the same time, I also received an e-mail from the future entitled "Earn Your Nursing Degree Today Accepting Now," which made a good point: I could indeed earn my nursing degree today, especially with this online nursing program accepting now. How could I possibly argue against the logic of this e-mail and go against what is in the stars for me? The only problem was that this e-mail came from the year 2038, so how do I know that they are accepting applications in the year 2009? And for that matter, if I am directed to earn my nursing degree "today" -- and today takes place in 2038 -- does that mean that I have to wait nearly 30 years?

I am fortunate to also know that someone from the future is flirting with me. An e-mail told me so. I don't want to be overconfident about this, but I hear that women in the future are very wise with their flirting via random e-mails, so if someone has chosen me -- of all people -- to flirt with, I cannot help but be honored. If I want to find out who from the year 2038 is flirting with me, I merely have to click something in the e-mail. In my head I keep weighing the options: flirting with someone from the future but have my entire hard drive wiped out, or never find out who is flirting with me but retain hundreds of MP3s from iTunes? I'll be listening to Biz Markie until at least the end of this column...

Whatever I decide, the fourth e-mail from 2038, offering me 500 business cards for $1.99, will surely help me. I cannot imagine what I would do with 500 business cards besides making personal promises, but someone apparently thinks that in 2038, I might need all of these cards -- and $1.99 at that time won't go as far as it will now. People are always told that they need to think ahead, and I am glad that someone from the future is willing to help me out with that. I'll take 10,000 of those cards, please...

Finally, someone from the future told me about this new berry, macqui berry, which is a combination of two berries I know nothing about -- and care even less about -- acai and maqui berries. I am so glad to know that in 2038, people will still be caring about berries, and will care even more about sociey's welfare than they do today...

In the year 2009, a lot of people are pessimistic about the future, wondering if things will get worse before they get better. I am glad to know that the world is in good shape in 2038. I'm also glad to know that I have a perfect title to put on all of those business cards: "Greg Gagliardi, Communicator with the Future." Anyone who wants to know more about their future self should let me know...

But I digress.