This Week's Column

Kids in America (in Libraries)

July 22, 2008

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There are a lot of places that are not suitable for kids: torture chambers, bottomless pits, McDonald's, etc. I would like to add one more to this list -- the library. Now, I can already anticipate the reaction to this: "But how can you ban kids from the library? That's not fair. I am going to murder you with a knife." And I understand that reaction, but I am not stating that I want to ban kids from libraries; more so, I don't want to see them in libraries. It's a simple request, really...

Kids under the age of ten are ideal targets for the children's section of a library. Almost all libraries have these so that kids can sit on much more comfortable chairs than what everyone else is sitting on, read much more colorful books and -- if too engrossed in those books to get up -- pass up on the bathroom for another, more convenient option. I think this is also known as Disney World. I don't necessarily have a problem with children's sections because I have little desire to walk into these sections myself, in the same way that lemurs at the zoo don't bother me because I don't bother them (but for the record, I could bother a lemur if I wanted, and I think I would do a good job at it -- just don't tempt me). The issue with kids in libraries stems from the non-children's areas...

Kids and libraries are a horrible mix. The main rule of all libraries is to remain silent, and the main priority of kids is to never shut up. The secondary rule of libraries is to walk so as not to be disruptive, whereas the secondary priority of kids is to run around in circles until someone notices, at which point the circular motion continues at a faster pace. These contrasts throw the library for a loop. This is the same type of disaster that landed Wilford Brimley on Quaker Oats containers. Dewey Decimal is probably crying in his numerical grave...

Some may wonder why kids are at libraries, considering everything I just described. Like everything else, this is the parents' fault for bringing them to these places that have nothing but words on papers. What parents really need to be doing is bringing their kids to malls and letting the kids roam free so that they can grab Cinnabons and steal clothes from stores. Or, if malls are closed, what better bonding activity is there than collecting bugs in jars, and then letting those bugs go, and then collecting them again?

If we truly want our world's libraries to be able to compete with the Internet as the main source of information, we must begin with stricter rules for kids -- and free cotton candy... and big-time dart competitions....

But I digress.