Progressive Revelations 1/26/10

The Summer Bummer

July 6, 2010

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Independence Day is behind us now, which means that it is no longer acceptable to set off fireworks in the street, wear an American flag as pants or try to convince everyone that the Fourth of July is actually a three-day holiday. To some people, this past Sunday marked the start of the summer, which is highlighted by the fact that in much of the country, it is now 98 degrees in the shade (and NSync in the sun). Wherever people are from, they will be faced with the dilemma of what to do outdoors besides the typical activities like playing Clue and traveling on pogo sticks. To start off July, I have a couple of suggestions...

1. Play Clue.

2. Travel on a pogo stick.

Other than these two original ideas, I think people need to think outside of the box by building snow forts. Granted, it is difficult to find snow at this time of the year, so replacements for snow will need to be acquired. I suggest frozen cotton candy, which molds like snow and is equally affected by rain. Another suggestion is to use the snow that you stored from this past winter. Wait, you forgot to store snow from this past winter? Well, you'll look pretty foolish trying to build a snow fort out of nothing, won't you? If no snow or cotton candy is available, use anthills instead. The ants will serve as your worker bees, and when worker bees stop by your fort, tell them that they can serve as ants...

Once the snow fort is complete -- or even before it is -- consider the next activity: complaining. Americans find complaining to be a necessary and often exciting activity, especially in times of excessive heat. Common complaints this time of year include "It's too hot outside and I don't have air conditioning and nobody wants to give me a popsicle and I'm annoying and I won't stop talking" as well as "I can't even play Clue. I lost Colonel Mustard and I don't like Professor Plum." With enough practice complaining about the summer, it will be much easier to complain during the winter, when the sun is replaced by a frozen version of the sun, otherwise known as "the moon." Complaining is particularly exciting, I've learned through the years, when it is done in response to others' complaining, ie: "That person is so annoying. All he does is complain! He really needs to stop complaining!"

Another great summer activity is indoor tanning. I don't mean that you should attempt to get a tan by using a salon or tanning bed; I mean that you should take suntan lotion, spread it all over the interior of your house and watch it as it turns brown... or starts to attract birds. Then invite the complainers over to achieve the full effect of summertime fun...

When it comes to starting your summer off right, the key is setting up a plan, totally ignoring that plan and then wishing your summer was better once September rolls around. Oh, never mind, that's the key to putting yourself into a state of depression. So if you don't want that, be smart: buy a pogo stick...

But I digress.