This Week's Column

One Tiny Country

August 12, 2008

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People are still discussing the opening ceremony of the Olympics, calling it an amazing display of artistry, visual effects and Yao Ming. But while it's hard to disagree that the event was certainly something to see, the most memorable line came as the countries were walking in and one of the announcers proclaimed, "And here comes the tiny country of Micronesia." To begin, a country with "micro" in its name doesn't quite need to be described as tiny, unless the word "Micronesia" is actually a joke name and the country is very big. But if that's the case, something tells me that someone in the world would have actually heard about this country. In fact, Micronesia was one of many countries that received the common response from American jocks: "That's a country? And they only have seven athletes competing? America is going to slaughter that country in basketball!"

The aforementioned comment was still not as common as this one, however: "Georgia is a country now? Does that mean that my cousin who goes to Georgia Tech is considered an international student?" And of course this one: "Where in the heck is the Yugoslavian team?"

Micronesia, which is 271 square miles in size and has a population of just over 100,000 people, has never won an Olympic medal. This is not surprising considering that when most of us imagine Micronesia, we picture very little people who are not capable of even being able to lift a medal. In particular, I imagine a bunch of amoeba marching around, waiting for their turns to compete against a paramecium. Or maybe not a pair of them, just one mecium -- I think that'd be more fair...

Micronesia was not recognized as an independent nation until 1991. It was formerly known as the Caroline Islands, but Neil Diamond screwed that up for them, so the name was changed to avoid ridicule. Ironically, Micronesia's best hope for a medal was said to come in men's weightlifting, an event in which Micronesian Manuel Minginfel (note the great alliteration) came in ranked as one of the top ten in the world. Unfortunately, in typical Micronesian fashion, he finished eleventh. I cannot help but think that if the Micronesian fans were in attendance in China, then perhaps Minginfel would have earned a medal, but instead we are left without the opportunity for this post-win interview:

NBC Interviewer: Sooo... Micronesia, huh?

Minginfel: Yes, I am happy to be the first ever Micronesian to win a medal.

NBC: Hahaha, I'm sorry, but Micronesia... Is that even a real country?

Minginfel: Yes, and I am happy to be the first to --

NBC: Wait a minute here, wait a minute. The name of your country is Micronesia?

Minginfel: Yes.

NBC: And that's real?

Minginfel: Yes.

NBC: And the medal you won -- is it some sort of miniature version?

Minginfel: No, the name of our country has 'micro' in it, but we are normal-sized people.

NBC: Hahaha, Micronesia. That's crazy, what will the world think of next?

Until Micronesia wins a medal, I plan to start a crusade to support the country by buying a Micronesian flag -- assuming one exists -- and carrying a microscope with me wherever I go. One day, Micronesia will win a medal. And when that happens, it will be a micro victory for all of mankind...

But I digress.