Progressive Revelations 8/25/09

So Favre Away

August 25, 2009

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Since Brett Favre announced his NFL comeback about a week ago, I have managed to yawn every time I think about it. And I don't mean one of those "Let me yawn for a second and then I will pick him up for my fantasy team." There is no place on my fantasy bench for someone who has quit and un-quit more times than a second grader in a kickball game. Don't worry, though: this is not a sports column, because I know that most people look elsewhere to read their sports commentary, like ESPN or that second grader I mentioned earlier. I'm also not going to mention Michael Vick in this NFL-related column because, well, doggonit... Oh, never mind...

Seriously, though, what all the sports commentators are neglecting to mention is that maybe Favre is just bored. We all go through those stages of being so bored that we call the Minnesota Vikings organization and ask if we can play quarterback, and then when someone says "No, stop calling us," we follow it with, "Okay, so, ummm, can I get my quarter back please?" If you cannot relate to this, I suggest you call the Minnesota Vikings organization as soon as possible. I heard that Tavaris Jackson is picking up the phone...

So if I am right and Favre is just bored, it might be up to me to provide him with some suggestions for what he can do with his time. If I can do so, and I can get him to retire for the 78th time, then we won't have to worry about him clogging up the sports airwaves when we could be hearing more important discussions, like who has a better chance of getting his face on a stamp, Mike Tyson or Glass Joe?

My first suggestion for Favre is to go back to his hometown of Gulfport, Mississippi. As I discovered from my friend, Wikipedia, Gulfport is the second largest city in the state after Jackson. Actually, I think it might be more like third or fourth, but Favre's ego pushes it to second. While in this city, Favre can hang out with Mayor George Schloegel. I have no idea where I am going with this, but "Schloegel" is too good of a name to not include it in a column -- and I want him to have something to read when he Googles his name every day from his office...

My second suggestion would be for Favre to hang out at Brett Favre's Steakhouse, which is the actual name of a steakhouse owned by Favre, proving my ego comment to be so out of line. The restaurant is located in Green Bay, Wisconsin, so it's pretty clear that Favre has a stake in what happens there. When I looked at the menu of the restaurant online, I could not help but notice that at the top of it was the "Favre Family Sampler." What a surprise: the perfect thing to order for those who are indecisive...

But I digress.