Progressive Revelations 8/3/10: The Finish Line

The Finish Line

August 3, 2010

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Although aging is not necessarily a fun process, I can sometimes take comfort in the fact that as I grow older, I grow closer and closer to the day that I will be able to use my turn signal three miles in advance of the actual turn. This is the rite of passage for anyone who is either old or very old. I am not against turn signals -- at least not in theory -- but today alone I was behind three different cars that kept their signals on for so long, we passed twelve Dunkin' Donuts, twenty gas stations and three sheep before the turn was actually made. And even when the turn was made, I am sure it was just an accident -- or caused an accident, at least...

Excuse me if I sound shark-like, but it's Shark Week, so I am allowed. It's also Bad Transitional Sentence Week, or at least I hope it is. I actually don't know much about Shark Week, except that a lot of people are buying into the hype by expressing themselves through Facebook statuses like "It's Shark Week, baby" and "Best week of the year: Shark Week," which in a way is kind of depressing. Apparently the Discovery Channel first launched this week in 1987, and since that time a lot of people have become interested in sharks or have become really good at faking it in order to sound intellectual. For those who did not realize it was Shark Week and forgot to come up with an intellectual way of expressing shark love, here are a few suggestions off the top of my head:

1. "Sharks bite. Shark Week doesn't."

2. "If it's a shark and it's on TV, give me the remote. I want to turn up the volume and adjust the contrast."

3. "Shark Week is a bloody good time, unless a relative or close friend is involved, in which case it isn't at all."

I decided to do some research on sharks so that if I decide to give into the hype and watch an episode of "Sharks on Ice" or whatever the shows are called, I will have a better background. Apparently sharks existed even before dinosaurs, meaning that the sharks ate all of the dinosaurs and that is why they went extinct. Sharks live, on average, for 20 to 30 years, which is just enough time to get to know one personally but not enough time to really get attached to one on an emotional level. I also learned that sharks swim faster as they attack prey, and sometimes their prey is plankton. It's hard to discuss sharks as predators when it's in reference to them feeding on plankton. Something tells me the Discovery Channel will leave out that footage...

I still have a couple of days before I decide whether to cave into the shark hoopla. If I don't watch any of the shows this time around, I'll be more than ready for Shark Week in 2011. I have a whole year to come up with new slogans, like "Shark Week: it's better than everything else on the Discovery Channel," or maybe I will make a necklace out of shark teeth. Now I just have to find a shark who will believe that I'm the Tooth Fairy...

But I digress.