Archived Column: 9/4/01

Wise Cheese Aged:

September 4, 2001

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While at the store the other day, I saw a pile of aged cheddar cheese. One conclusion is that this cheese is such a hot seller that they recently ran out of it and subsequently stocked it. The more logical conclusion, though, is that the cheese has been sitting there for a while, making it ironic that it's already aged. Unfortunately, a product that markets itself as old dairy leaves us no way of knowing how long it's been there. Anyone who says, "Well, I am not going to buy that cheese because it has probably been there a while" is basically missing the point. And you've missed the point, too, because the point is that aged cheese and new cheese are essentially the same thing. Either way you cut it, it's still bound to cause people to leave the room -- or make a sandwich, depending on your tolerance level...

Since I brought up cheese -- and you brought your eyes -- let's ponder grilled cheese sandwiches for a minute. Why exactly are grilled cheese sandwiches often almost the same price in a restaurant as hamburgers or club sandwiches? It's basically like saying, "Well, I'll take a turkey club, but take off everything but the cheese. And charge me full price for it please, because I am a person who likes throwing money around foolishly." I'm not sure what the response would be, but Bill Gates would sure look bad for saying it...

I think Bill Gates should have pitched in the Little League World Series. He's already pitching everything else. Plus, baseball's showcase of young talent doesn't have the same ring to it now that Bronx pitcher Danny Almonte is two years older than he was originally said to be. Now it all makes sense. I mean, when a 12-year old was throwing at 80 miles per hour, I suspected something was fishy. But now that I know he's 14, everything is logical. The one who is really affected by this is Bob Dole, though. Now he has a reason to nod his head and say, "You know, why is it that every time America has a good thing, the people say he's too old?"

This would be a good time to transition back into the subject of aged cheese. So please do it for me and save me the effort at this point...

Random Reader #1: Cheese is good.

Random Reader #2: I like cheese.

Random Reader #1: Let's talk about cheese.

Random Reader #2: Yes. Let's talk about cheese and Labor Day.

With the transition to Labor Day now set, I must now discuss what a strange holiday this is. Basically, a day honoring work allows most Americans to stay home and do nothing. There's something wrong there. Granted, a holiday known as "Rest Day" would be unnecessary in the U.S. But "Labor Day" isn't a good name for the day either, considering it shares its name with the time that women give birth. Imagine the potential confusion:

Pregnant Woman: So, when do you think it will happen?

Doctor: Oh, your labor day is November 12, I would say.

Pregnant Woman: Oh no! But everyone else's is September 3rd this year. Doc, please say it's not so.

Doctor: September 3rd? Well, I sure hope it's not that day. I have 18 holes ahead of me at the Country Club.

This conversation would ultimately lead to one about aged cheese. The doctor and the pregnant woman would consider the consequences of eating it, and ultimately they would decide that the cheese is fine, as long as it's being kept in a nursing home...

But I digress.