Greg Gagliardi
Nobody Cares Anymore
March 17, 2015
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has been writing "Progressive Revelations" since 1998. 

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Progressive Revelations
the weekly saga

By Greg Gagliardi
Progressive Revelations
Three weeks ago will forever be known as a time when nothing happened.   I say that because it was when two llamas were the talk of America after they escaped en route to an assisted living facility in Arizona.  Everyone knows the story by now, but for those who don't: two llamas -- or, as reports said, "two animals believed to be llamas," since they could have been other animals in llama costumes -- ran in circles through the streets of Arizona until a man with a lasso did whatever people do with lassos. Even ESPN spent a majority of its programming on breaking down the llama situation, something that is known journalistically as "a slow news day."

But this is old news.  Now it is time to reflect on how America has been forever changed by the two escaped llamas.  For one thing, most people have better appreciation for lassos.  Previously, most people saw a lasso as something used to corral cattle -- and cattle are boring unless goats are considered cattle, but I'm pretty sure they're not.  Now every home in America has a lasso, kept in a spot where it is easy to grab in case a burglar or unwanted relative comes in.  Think about it:

"Hey, I'm here to visit," says a burglar, also the fourth cousin of the home owner. "I'm probably going to steal stuff from you and eat whatever leftovers you have in that icebox of yours."

"Oh no, you're not," the home owner replies, taking out the lasso and doing whatever it is that people do with lassos to intimidate people.

Within minutes, the homeowner lassos the burglar/relative, the home is now saved from burglary and multiple family trees are forever altered.  And of course we must consider the social media impact.  It's one thing to be tagged in a photo that can be enjoyed by friends and family, but being tagged in a photo that involves a lasso -- either as the person doing the lassoing or the person who is lassoed -- truly adds the "social" to social media...

Despite the new popularity of lassos, the country as a whole has forgotten about the existence of llamas now that so much time has passed. However, I like to hold on to hope. My prediction is that llamas will once again emerge in America as the trendiest topic for the day because, after all, this is America: the same country that manages to keep One Direction trending 24/7.  With March Madness here and people busy filling out brackets for office pools, I can only assume that, somewhere, there is a llama filling out a winning bracket.  If this occurs, I hope the llama will spend whatever money he wins on a lasso so that the next time people run away from an assisted living facility, it will be a llama who lassos them.  And then -- but only then -- will a llama fully show us the true meaning of justice...

But I digress.